From watching Game of Thrones instead of going for that evening run, to politely declining your cousin’s tenth PartyLite invitation, we’ve all made excuses.
We can make excuses to others, or to ourselves, but the essence of the excuse remains consistent, no matter who’s eyes we’re trying to pull the wool over : An excuse is what we concoct when we’re not willing to admit the real reason behind it.
Here’s a quick example:
The excuse: I didn’t go for a run because I was too tired after working all day.
The real reason: I didn’t go for a run because I’d rather get into the bathtub with a glass of wine and a copy of Architectural Digest.
And while it may seem relatively harmless to cook up an excuse for getting out of something we don’t want to do with, or for, someone else (sorry, I can’t help you move this weekend because my bone spurs are flaring up again), making excuses to yourself CAN and WILL stop you from ever living the full, rich and satisfying life that you truly want and deserve, as well as destroying the possibility of ever reaching your full human potential.
Sound dramatic? Maybe, but it’s the TRUTH.
So, why engage in such self-sabotage in the first place?
We so often aren’t willing to confront the real reason why we did or didn’t do something because when we do, we are forced to stare our personal fears and limiting beliefs right in the face. And once we do that, we either have to accept these shortcomings as intractable personal flaws, or we have to do something about them.
But, when you actively take the time to uncover the real reason behind the excuse, it allows you to address the problem at its root cause, find the appropriate solution, and finally take the action required to get the results that you claim to want so badly for yourself.
But, before you get tactical with your solutions, you’ll first need to take a peek between your ears to find out why you’re making the excuse in the first place.
How to Tackle The Psychological Sticking Points That Give Rise to Your Excuses
When looking at an excuse at face value, it’s very tempting to attribute the real reason behind the excuse as some inherent personal flaw (I’m just lazy) when, in fact, most excuses present themselves when you lack clarity on the exact outcome you’re after and why you’re after it, or because you’re being held back by some fear or limiting belief.
Step 1: Gain Clarity on Your Goal
There are many systems for goal-setting, but at the very least, your goal should include:
- The exact result you have in mind.
- I want to earn an extra $1,000 a month.
- I want to get in shape.
- I want to learn a new language.
- I want to start an online business.
- The exact reason why you want to achieve this specific result.
- I want to earn an extra $1,000 a month so that I’ll be able to contribute more to my retirement savings and enjoy a comfortable retirement.
- I want to get in shape so that I’ll be able to play with my kids without getting tired.
- I want to learn a new language so that I’ll be able to confidently speak with the locals when I travel.
- I want to start an online business so that I can quit my job and have control over my schedule and finances.
Your Personal “Why”
The exact reason you want to achieve a particular result is called your personal “why”, and having one of these is absolutely imperative in achieving your desired result.
Without a rock-solid personal “why”, you have absolutely no reason to follow through with any action required to achieve your goal.
But when you are sure of your personal “why”, you will always have the psychological means necessary to obliterate your excuses as they appear in moments of self-sabotage.
If this sounds absurdly simple, that’s because it is. But most people spend very little time thinking about the true reason why they want something in the first place, and consequently, when it comes time to follow through with the required actions, they don’t have a compelling reason to do so.
Sometimes, when you try to determine your personal “why”, you’ll find out that the outcome you’re after isn’t something that you really care that much about after all. That’s okay! You can now forget about this particular goal and focus your attention on a desired outcome that is in true alignment with your personal “why”.
Here’s a quick example:
You decide you want to get down to 18% body fat so that you look like that fitness model on the cover of Oxygen magazine. After the first three weeks of slaving away at the gym for an hour a day, your motivation begins to wane. After some reflection on your personal “why” you realize that what you really want is to have enough energy to play with your two-year-old. Sure, looking like an olympian would be nice, but ultimately, it’s really not that important to you and isn’t in true alignment with your personal “why”. With this discovery in mind, you can reduce your workout schedule to something more manageable—and fun—without having to berate yourself for giving up on your goal.
Once you’ve gained clarity on your personal “why”, you’ll notice that it gets a whole lot easier to follow through with the actions necessary to achieve your desired result.
Step 2: Address Your Fears And Limiting Beliefs
Oftentimes, figuring out your personal “why” behind a particular desired result is enough to overcome any fears or limiting beliefs that have been holding you back up until this point. If you know exactly what you want and why you want it, and if it’s important enough to you, you will do absolutely anything to get it—including the things that scare the pants off of you.
“If you want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.”
—Jim Rohn
But sometimes these fears are so deep-rooted that we have to do a little extra work.
Within the context of pursuing your dreams and taking the action required to achieving your desired result, most fears can be boiled down down to a simple fear of failure.
And the reason that the fear of failure is so potent to so many is because we tend to personalize our failures. If I fail, it means that I am a failure.
The quickest way to banish fear of failure is to accept this fact:
You are going to fail.
In fact, if you expect to achieve any amount of lasting success in this life, you are probably going to fail over and over again as you move toward your ultimate desired outcome. The key here is that rather than personalize your failures, you accept failure as just another part of the process. Does this mean that you’re never going to feel afraid of failure again?
Hell, no.
You will likely never rid yourself of this fear. What it does mean though, is that your fear will no longer hold you back from taking action. You will be willing and able to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes it’s built on catastrophe.
—Sumner Redstone
The final piece here is to address any limiting beliefs that may be stopping you from taking action, the most common being some version of “I’m not good enough.”
This limiting belief can only be present when you are comparing yourself to others.
Comparing your progress to someone else’s holds no benefit to you, especially when you have no idea how long and what it took for that person to get to where you’re trying to get to now.
Focus on progress rather than perfection.
So, now that you’ve tweaked your mindset and removed any underlying psychological hindrances that have been fuelling your excuse-generation machine, next week we’ll dive into Part 2, and talk about the top 5 excuses that stop people from achieving their goals, and focus on the tactical measures you can take to remedy each specific excuse.
See you then!
Are you interested in learning more about solutions to self-sabotaging behaviour? Check out the AHA Process to End Self-Sabotage over at the iNLP Center!
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