Self-discipline is a huge struggle for a lot of people. It generally comes down to one thing. And I don’t think it’s laziness.
The real reason behind a lack of self-discipline is that many of us don’t actually want what we say we want. Many of us are trying to live up to someone else’s expectations rather than following our own true desires. And when we try to force ourselves to do what society tells us we should do, we end up feeling guilty and ashamed when we can’t seem to follow through on those expectations.
Self-discipline becomes much easier when the things we say we want to do truly align with our personal values and the vision for our lives, and in this post, I want to go over 7 of my favorite methods for building self-discipline in a way that honors your true self instead of subjecting you to that merciless inner drill sergeant that’s been trying to whip you into shape your whole life through willpower alone.
I cover all of this in my recent video on my channel Mastering Self-Discipline: A Gentle Approach. If you’d like to see that video, you can do so but watching it below. But if you prefer to gain your information through reading, just keep scrolling, and I’ll fill you in on the details.
A question I’ve been trying to answer lately after recovering from last year’s burnout, is, where is the line between making sure my physical and mental needs are being met, and just using self-care as an excuse to avoid doing the work that needs to get done if I want to reach the goals I say I want to reach. AND—How do I maintain my self-discipline while rejecting hustle culture?
So many people equate self-discipline with sacrifice—they’re willing to sacrifice their sleep, their health, and their family time. It’s become a badge of honor.
But self-discipline needs to be sustainable. And it needs to support your true priorities.
Self-Discipline Tip #1: Clearly define, and create a hierarchy around your priorities.
The definition of self-discipline is “the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.”
“Pursue what one thinks is right”—you have to pursue something that YOU think is right, otherwise there won’t be any real internal reason for you to do it.
So, write down all the things you say you want to do, then, go down the list and ask yourself if you really want that thing, or if that thing is something that society or someone else is telling you you should want. Is that thing truly a priority for you? Is what you want coming from you or from societal expectations? And if you hear yourself saying, well, I “should” do X, Y, or Z, ask yourself, “why should I?” When you do this exercise you might find that you don’t actually have a real reason why you want that thing. And that’s great because you can scratch it off your list and just not worry about it anymore.
Once you have that list you can rank them in order, which comes in handy for times when you’re conflicted about what to do, because you’ll know where each thing falls on your hierarchy of priorities.
As an example, I’ve been feeling super guilty lately because I like to start my day at 7 am every morning so that I can get through the morning routine and be at my desk at 9. But over the last few weeks my kids have been coming into my room around 7 to cuddle under the covers and we’re laying around until 7:30, so I haven’t been starting my work until 9:30. So I’ve been telling myself I’m lazy and that my self-discipline is slipping, and then I’ve been feeling terrible about it.
But when I thought about my priorities hierarchy I realized that time with my kids is at the top of that list, followed by work. That doesn’t mean that my work is unimportant, or that I’m going to completely blow my work off for the day, but I know that there’s absolutely no way that sometime in the future I’m going to regret spending that time with them, so I’m willing to do that regardless of it cutting slightly into my work day. The mental shift that happens is that I now feel like my actions are aligned with my priorities, rather than feeling like I’m letting myself down in the discipline department. Spending as much time with my kids right now is a priority over getting an extra half hour of work in because before long they’ll probably be rolling their eyes at me and slamming doors in my face—definitely not asking for cuddles—so I want to enjoy these moments for as long as I can.
Self-Discipline Tip #2: Reframe self-discipline as a form of self-love.
This shift can be PROFOUND if your usual method of trying to get yourself to do something is by berating yourself or relying on sheer willpower alone. Trying to whip yourself into action and then berating yourself or labelling yourself as lazy when you don’t do it creates huge amounts of guilt, shame, and self-loathing—the opposite of self-love.
Instead, try to hold yourself in high regard and treat yourself as if you were your own best friend. If you find yourself sitting on the couch when you know that you’ve determined that starting your business is a priority, gently remind yourself of the reason you made it a priority, and give yourself the encouragement you need. You might say to yourself, “I know you’d rather sit here under a blanket watching Netflix, but I can’t let you do that because you’ve made this a priority and I want to see you succeed. If you don’t get up now and follow through, you’ll feel bad about yourself and you’re too important for me to let that happen to.”
The idea is to reframe self-discipline from something that we’re trying to force ourselves to do through willpower into something we do because we love ourselves and hold ourselves in high regard.
Another point is to remind yourself how good you’ll feel when you’re done, and consider how you’ll feel if you DON’T do what needs to be done. Sometimes the pain of not doing something is much greater than the pain of doing it. This is what’s called a competing interest. A really great example of this is the first time I did a series of live webinars. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety at the time and I was terrified I was going to have a panic attack during one of the webinars. I was literally crying in bed wondering how I was going to do it. But I did it simply because I knew that the pain of giving up was going to be much deeper even than the pain of having a panic attack during a webinar, so I went through with it anyway. And then I had a huge confidence boost when I was able to do that.
Self-Discipline Tip #3: Focus on just showing up.
This one has been a huge one for me. One of the BIGGEST parts of self-discipline is consistency—just simply showing up day in and day out, regardless of the progress achieved on any one given day. One of my all-time favorite quotes is that “success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.” Most of us just aren’t prepared for the amount of work something is going to take. We expect to be able to accomplish things easily, and if we can’t we think it’s because there’s something wrong with us. But the real fact is that we have to put in countless hours of work before you reap any of the benefits. Just showing up every day, no matter how long builds focus and concentration over time.
My absolute favorite way to just show up is by using the 5-Minute Rule. This really is my personal secret to self-discipline. When I just don’t want to do something, whether it’s work, exercise, or some chore, I give myself permission to do it for just 5 minutes. Most of the time the reason I don’t want to do something is because I’m imagining it to be a much bigger slog than it actually will be, so this mental trick reduces that slog to a tiny and manageable amount of time and effort. The outcome is one of two things: I either show up for 5 minutes and then stop, and I can carry on with my day feeling good that I at least showed up. Or, and this is what happens 99% of the time, I start whatever it is, actually get into it, and just keep going until it’s done. Either outcome is an outcome you can feel good about, and 9 times out of 10 you’re going to keep going with it. Remember, you’re looking for progress, not perfection.
Self-Discipline Tip #4: Ask yourself, What Would This Look Like If It Were Fun + Easy?
I like to use this technique when there’s something I need to do but I’m putting it off because I feel like it’s going to be hard, boring, unpleasant, or stressful. This creates an instant mindset shift and invites some curiosity, creativity and playfulness into whatever it is you’re doing.
I feel less stressed about it, my attitude becomes much more positive and lighthearted, and I can give myself permission to enjoy the process more. Usually, I’ll put on some music or something and I can actually enjoy whatever it is I’m doing.
Self-Discipline Tip #5: Tie it to a purpose.
Some people embark on adulthood really feeling strongly about what their purpose here on earth is, and it seems easy for them to follow through with that purpose. But for most of us, it’s not that easy and I think that for a lot of us, we don’t necessarily have just one true purpose, and I think that our purpose can change multiple times throughout our lives, depending on the season we’re in. Also, a person’s purpose in any given season doesn’t have to be grand and world-changing. For me, I feel like my current purpose is raising my kids to the best of my ability, and when it comes to my work, my purpose is to share interesting ideas and help people reach their goals.
If you’re a highly sensitive person, like me, it’s even more important that you try to find real meaning in whatever it is you’re trying to do because it’s really hard for us to do anything that we don’t think has meaning behind it. Making money used to be enough to get me motivated, but now that I feel financially comfortable it’s just not enough anymore. Now I’m really focusing on creating more meaning in my work and that’s much more powerful when it comes to getting me out of bed in the morning because I feel like I have purpose and my daily tasks are aligned with that purpose..
Self-Discipline Tip #6: Create Flexible, Sustainable, and Realistic Routines + Systems.
Creating the structure of routines and systems really helps to remove the friction around getting things done. If we’re feeling resistance around something our brains are going to look for any excuse possible not to do it, so if we remove all the barriers beforehand we’re going to be much more likely to have no excuse not to. I’ve heard of some people who want to exercise in the morning lay out their exercise clothes and shoes the night before so that everything they need is already waiting and ready for them the second they wake up.
Routines are huge for me. I’ve created a work schedule that runs from 9-5, Monday through Friday, and I just show up at my desk during this time. I don’t have to waste mental space figuring out when I’m going to work each day, even though I can pretty much work whenever I want because I run my own business. I’ve created this schedule and I just stick to it and show up, even if I don’t feel like it. But I do treat this schedule as flexible. As I mentioned, lately it’s been more like 9:30, and instead of feeling badly about it, I’m grateful that I’ve made it to a place where I have the privilege of doing that.
The main thing is to create schedules and routines that are realistic and sustainable. Telling yourself you’re suddenly going to go to the gym for an hour a day, 5 days a week, when you haven’t been at all in the last 3 years is not realistic or probably sustainable. Maybe starting for 15 minutes a day doing something gentle at home and working your way up to 40 minutes at the gym over time is going to be more doable.
Self-Discipline Tip #7: Incorporate self-discipline into your identity.
Start thinking about self-discipline as being a part of who you are, and if you feel doubt about that, just be open to that possibility. Think about who the person is who does the things you want to do, and then try to show up as that person on a daily basis.
For example, my next big business goal is to break $1M in revenue, and one of the things my business coach encouraged me to do on a mindset level is to think about how a 7-figure business owner shows up on a daily basis. What do they do? What are their routines? What kinds of things do they tell themselves? This really shone a light on some of my weak spots and now I feel motivated to make the necessary changes. For example, a 7-figure business owner is probably a lot more on top of their business budget than I’ve been over the past year. They probably have a promotional calendar that’s planned out a year in advance, and they have a plan in place as to what their revenue goals for each revenue stream is and how to make it happen. So these are just a few of the areas that I’m putting more focus on now, trying to show up as that 7-figure business owner every day until I actually get there. This is called mental contrasting—I’m thinking about where I am now vs. where I want to be. I see the gap between the two and I’m trying to close it.
I hope these tips have helped you reframe self-discipline into something you do for yourself out of love, rather than guilt or shame. Let me know if you have any other gentle self-discipline tips or tricks that you like to use to get yourself up and doing things.
If one of the things you’re looking to build your self-discipline for is to start an online business, download my free guide, the 4-Step Online Business Start-Up Blueprint here. This guide gives you a step-by-step framework that takes you all the way from idea to launch.
For tips on saving time check out my other blog post, 11 Habits That Save Me 20+ Hours a Week.
Chat Soon,
Rachel
